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As any veteran foreigner in China knows, one of the latent talents possessed by many Chinese people, is to ask irritating questions that every previous Chinese person that said foreigner has encountered for the past 6 month, has already asked before, however, it often takes a true veteran to answer these questions correctly without:
A) Making yourself sound interested enough to get dragged into an endless conversation on how everything worthwhile in the world originated from China.
B) Offending 1.3 billion people who might decide to throw rocks at you.
C) Getting yourself locked up by the PSB.
For your reading pleasure (and personal safety) here are a couple of common questions and a couple of the answers that you should try to avoid giving, along with a sample answer that will neither encourage the questioner to elaborate further, or to stone you to death in the belief that you are a Japanese tourist.
Can you use chopsticks?
A. I can use them to scratch my ASS
B. I only ever eat in McDonalds and KFC
C. Civilized people use forks
D. Yes, can you use a knife and fork?
E. Yes, the hookers in Chinatown taught me when I was a kid
Correct Answer: Yes, two elderly Buddhist nuns taught me to use them while I was helping Chinese migrant workers in foreign countries to return to the motherland
Can you speak Chinese?
A. 我可以说普通话，可是我不要说。
B. Yes, they taught me in the spy school that I attended in Taiwan
C. All BBC/NHK/CNN China correspondents are taught to speak Chinese
D. Of course, Chinese is so simple only an idiot couldn’t speak it after a few weeks
E. なに？
Correct Answers: Yes, a little/说一点点, No
Do you know about Chinese history?
A. No, but it shouldn’t take me long to pick it up
B. No, but I would like you to tell me EVERYTHING.
C. No, can you summarize it for me?
D. No, but it doesn’t sound very important.
E. I know the bits that your government didn’t tell you
F. I know what happened in 1949 and 1989
G. I know what Fusosha Publishing says happened, and that’s good enough for me
H. I saw Walt Disney’s Mulan, once, while DRUNK
I. I saw that film at Cannes last year
Correct Answer: Yes, now about that ‘other’ fascinating thing you were going to tell me …
Do you know what is happening in Beijing in 2008?
No, but I know what happened there in 1989
Correct answer: Yes, now about that ‘other’ fascinating thing you were going to tell me …
Have you seen the Great Wall?
A. We have one too, but it’s bigger
B. Yes, I liked it so much that I hacked a chunk off to take home as a souvenir
C. No, does it have lasers on it?
D. Didn’t the Mongols build it to keep the Chinese in?
E. Berlin used to have one just like it, but the Americans made them take it down
F. I saw some of it on a building site in Zhongwei
G. Didn’t Luke Skywalker blow it up in Episode IV?
Correct Answer: Yes, it was big
Have you tried Peking Duck?
A. Peeking Duck, that’s animal porn, right?
B. I had a Peking duck wrap in KFC once, does that count?
C. No, I don’t hold with eating filthy foreign food
D. Any answer involving the words 'food' and 'poisoning'
Correct Answer: Yes, it was good, but not as good as your local food
Have you been to (insert name of local tourist attraction)?
A. No, can you tell me about it?
B. Is it any different from the one that they have in (insert rival village name here)?
C. When you’ve seen one seen one 5000 year old Pagoda, you’ve seen em all.
D. We have one in my country, but it's better
E. I saw one like it in Fujian, but it didn’t have so many beggars outside
Correct Answer: I don’t remember.
What is your telephone number?
ANY answer that involves the word ‘yes’ or your actual telephone number
Correct Answer: any number belonging to anybody who can’t give the caller your real telephone number
Do you like China?
A. Yes, but I preferred Taiwan
B. I like ‘Chinatown’
C. Yes, but I preferred it when the Brits/Japanese/Nationalists were running the joint
D. Do you mean the ROC or the PRC?
E. No, the communists ruined it
F. I like the bits that aren’t aiming missiles at my sisters house in Taipei
G. You would have liked the answer better if you had asked me in February
H. ANY honest answer that starts with ‘No’ or include the words ‘but .... '
Correct Answer: Yes, it’s very big and has a wall/Yes, me very like like China.
I believe this forward was edited from a post on an appropriately titled website: Angry Chinese Blogger.
http://angrychineseblogger.blog-city.com/the_rabbit_hole_101_things_not_to_say_in_china.htm
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